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Just for laughs!

• A cop is stalking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
  When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the iginition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
  The cop says,"How is this possible?"
  The guy says, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy".

• A woman went to a store and after shopping went to the counter for payment. As she opened her purse, the counter boy saw TV remote control in her purse. Out of curiosity, he asked the woman why she was carrying the TV remote. She replied, "My husband refused to accompany me for
  shopping, so I brought his TV remote with me – ‘that’s the most evil thing I could do to him’".

• When a husband opens the car door for his wife, then one thing is sure – either the car is new or the wife is new.

• A man wanted to marry gave ad in the newspaper ‘wanted wife’. In response, he received thousands of letters, all saying, "You can have mine".

• A man with a very sore throat, barely able to speak, when cannot tolerate pain and cannot wait until morning, goes to doctor ‘s house in late hours of the evening, knocks the door, doctor’s wife opens.
  Because of very sore throat, in whispering tone, he asks, "Is doctor in?" Doctor’s wife takes wrongly and tells in the same tone, "he’s out, come in, come in".

• A man goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
  "Boss", he says, "we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff".
  "We’re short-handed", the boss replies. "I can’t give you the day off".
  "Thanks, boss", says the happy many. "I knew I could count on you!"

• An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
  He went to the doctor, who fitted him with a hearing aid that allowed him to hear clearly.
  After one month, the man went to the doctor, who said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
  He replied, "I haven’t told them. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. And just to let you know, I have changed my will three times already".

• An Italian goes to Church and tells the Father that he wants to make confession. Father says, "OK my child, tell me your sin, I'll pray to God for you".
  "Father, at the start of World War II, a girl knocked my house and said Nazis are after her, and pleaded to save her". "I hid her in the attic, and Nazis could not find her".
  "That was a very noble act you did, you saved life of a girl in distress, there's nothing to be guilty of, in fact God will reward you for this", the Father says.
  "No, the thing is, I took sexual favours from the girl in return".
  "Oh, I see", the Father exclaimed, "but I think I can pray for you to pardon you for this. I am sure God will see to it rationally, you saved life of the girl at the same time, and God will pardon your sin of sexual favours, I hope God will weigh both your acts and pardon you, I'll pray to God for you, my
  child".
  "One more question, Father", "Can I now tell her that the World War is over".

• Event: An insect falls into a mug of beer....
  Reactions:
  
  Englishman:
  Throws his mug away and walks out
  
  American:
  Takes the insect out and drinks the beer
  
  Chinese:
  Eats the insect and throws the beer away
  
  Japanese:
  Drinks the beer with insect as it is coming free
  
  Indian:
  Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a
  new mug of beer.
  
  Pakistani:
  -Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer
  -Relates the issue to Kashmir
  -Asks the Chinese for Military aid
  -Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer.

 

• An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
  
  
• Jack 'N' Jill went up the hill
  To fetch a pail of water
  God knows what they did up there
  They came down with a daughter